The Terrifying Tale Of The Big Bad Pig Patriarchy....

Once upon a time, women got wise to the ways of misogynist men and began standing up for their rights...

When the big bad pig patriarchy realized that this meant they could no longer abuse women and get sex out of them at will and that *gasp!* they would actually have to start respecting them as equal human beings, they knew something had to be done.
And quick!

So they came up with a plan...

They would convince women that consequence-free sex was what they actually wanted all along. After all, didn't they mention something about equality? So, if these men were pigs, then women should be able to be pigs too, right?!

To help the women on their journey to liberation, the pigs packed them a picnic basket with plenty of delicious little treats - like poisonous (shhhh!) birth control pills and the "right" to abortion. Then they convinced the women that their bodies were no longer private entities to be respected, but instead told them that if they were truly free, then their nipples should be too! Their bodies went on public displays for all the pigs to consume.

"Of course we 'respect' your sexuality," the misogynists would say with a chuckle as they watched the women strut about topless, ogling their boobs on street corners instead of in brothels. "You can sleep with me if you want and, get this, if you never want to see me again, well, that's just fine with me... your ‘liberation’ is my command!" they'd say. "Just reach into that picnic basket we packed for you and let me free you from the confines of this sexually oppressive society you've been trapped in for so long."

They added, "Oh! And don't worry, if an ‘accident’ happens and we procreate while engaging in this procreative act, you'll know what to do. After all, the basis for your empowerment is my, er, I mean your sexual freedom, right? And we can't just let some kid get in the way of you expressing yourself, can we? Of course not! ...I'd offer to pay for it, but you're an empowered, independent woman who makes her own money, so I know you won't need anything from me!"

And the women ate it up, making pigs of themselves because these lies tasted so good at first. The misogynist pigs used all the right words to make it sound extra tasty. And the next morning, after the pigs had gotten all they wanted out of the women, they moved on to their next sexual conquest. But not before telling the woman how empowered they were and leaving one more tiny jewelry-shaped gift at her door.

See, the women who decades ago had shaken off the shackles of bondage would now gleefully put them back on, all because the misogynists convinced them that the shackles were really bracelets.

Moral of the story: Don't convince yourself you've smashed the patriarchy, simply because it's wearing a different mask now.

*Please note that this story is not about all men. Only douchebag pigs,
or "the New Patriarchy" as we like to call them around here.

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By Ashley Penn & Destiny Herndon-De La Rosa

The Past, The Present, & The Future Of Feminism

A few weeks ago I went to hang out with a friend of mine who's battling cancer. I decided to pick up some movies on the way, so I rented a serious one that looked really good and a stupid, funny one, in case she needed a laugh. At the time I didn't realize how ironic my choices were: I'd grabbed 'Suffragette' and 'Trainwreck.'

Here we had, in just 2 DVD's, feminism of the past and modern day fauxminism.

We went with Trainwreck, which was just that, but later that night I came home and watched 'Suffragette' with my daughters.

The feminism depicted in Suffergette (which desperately needs reclaiming btw) focuses on what women are capable of accomplishing, despite their gender. While Schumer's brand of feminism is all about what women can get away with, BECAUSE of their gender.

It's nothing more than pussy power fauxminism and it's weak.

"Men are pigs! And look, now women can be pigs too, because equality or something! I can screw a new guy each night and still totally love my existence... Oh wait, until I fall for one of them and then I cannot exist without him! Because MENMENMENMENMENMENMEN!!!!"

Whoops, sorry, I guess should've said spoiler alert first since that's basically the entire plot line of Trainwreck. #soempowering

Here's an idea, maybe the feminism of the future shouldn't focus so hard on gender, but rather what we can all do as human beings to just, be better.

Nobody be a pig. Everybody operate at the highest standard, not based on what's between your legs, but just as human beings. And while we're at it, can we please stop saying men are pigs? I have two sons and that's certainly not the way I'm raising them... or my daughters for that matter. No more excuses for bad behavior or double standards because boys are "just" being boys. That's bullshit. My sons are just as capable as my daughters are at controlling their urges and respecting others. And my daughters are just as capable as my sons are at controlling their emotions and using their brains. I expect them all to be upstanding, respectful, powerful members of society and change the freaking world for the better.

So, moral of the story, if your friend is already dealing with Chemo then for the love of gawd don't make them suffer any more by imposing 2 hours of Amy Schumer on 'em. Btw, my friend's a total warrior and she's gonna be just fine... despite what I put her through.

#commonsensefeminism