Making A Case For Deadbeat Dads

Parenting is hard. Choosing to raise another human being for the next 18-years, to feed, clothe, shelter, and educate them is not something that can be done half heartedly, or at least it shouldn't be.

Since 1973, any time a woman in this country has found herself facing an unplanned pregnancy, she has been able to abort her child. She's had the right to cut all ties to her offspring. She's been legally able to terminate any responsibility that comes with motherhood.

We live in a very contradictory nation when radical feminists, who can often be heard demanding equality, support the unfair right of women to be able to opt out of parenthood. When a woman does "choose" not to become a parent we're told it's a liberating act, but when a man chooses the very same thing, somehow it's considered cowardly.

Now, of all the people making a case for deadbeat dads, it probably shouldn't be me considering I've had two. Let me explain. My mother became pregnant with me at the University of Texas in Austin a decade after Roe made it legal for her to kill me. Lord knows that would've been the easiest, and some might even say most "responsible" option. She had a promising future, and minister parents she was going to have to face with a less than an immaculate conception. But she knew whatever "choices" there were to be made up ahead, I was not one of them. I was very much alive and there was no taking that back.

My grandfather had one very brief conversation with my biological father while I was still no bigger than a lemon. "Either marry my daughter," he said, "or leave and let her get on with her life." He chose the latter, and for years I resented my grandfather for doing that. Who was he to force such a drastic ultimatum on the man who had helped to create me?

My biological father saw me one time when I was two weeks old, commented on how long my eyelashes were, and that was it. There were no birthday cards, or long distance phone calls. I never saw him again.

Growing up, I fantasizes about being a professional golfer, because my mother used to mention how much he liked golf. I remember thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I made it big in the LPGA he'd want to be my dad then. Since obviously the only reason he took off was because of my grandfather.

Then, 16 later I found myself in an almost identical situation, dashing all hopes of a professional golf career. I was pregnant with a child, while still very much a child myself. That's when my boyfriend became the second deadbeat dad in my life. For the first two years he was completely AWOL. I remember people would say, just wait until he sees this beautiful little boy, there’s no way he could not immediately fall in love him with. I knew better though. Unlike my biological father he kind of came around once our son was a toddler and popped in and out of our lives just enough to confuse him. Eventually I was able to get child support payments garnished from his paychecks, more out of spite than need though. I wanted him to know this child existed and was his responsibility, but the State made it insanely difficult to actually reinforce such a notion. Plus, all signs were pointing to the fact that his heart was truly not into parenting, and nothing was going to change that.

Finally I realized it was best to let him go... let him out of all responsibility, much like my biological father, and move on with my life. 

Most of the time when it comes to unplanned pregnancies, this is the case. Who knew sex could lead to the creation of a new life? Or my new favorite, "But I was on birth control, this isn't my fault!" And so often these scared, naïve, and unprepared men and women choose to abort. We’ve all heard the story of the guy who tells her "just now’s not really the right time," or the girl who wants to experience college without a baby to look after. For many, abortion is the perfect get-out-of-jail-free-card. In a world that seems to have consequences for everything, we've managed to find a loophole that only costs one innocent life.

Sometimes however, women choose not to abort, and that decision must be respected as well. However, thanks to a society that's been conveniently killing children for the last 40 years, that baby is still just as much a choice to some as it is a child to others. We’re seeing an increase in men who think this way. “How come she gets to decide whether or not I become a parent?”

So here's where I make my case for deadbeat dads. As someone who has suffered at the hands of their choices not once but twice, and watched my son suffer as well, I still believe they are not the ones who should fully be to blame for this mindset. They are making the exact same choice many women, 55 million to be exact, have made, in the US alone, since 1973. Except in their case, when they choose to leave their responsibilities behind, at least their child is still allowed to live.

As a nation, it baffles me how we can celebrate the woman’s choice but so completely demonize the man’s, when ultimately it’s one and the same. And then it hit me - it’s all about money. Because it always is, right? The woman who aborts because she’s not ready, and probably not financially stable, is paying a small amount up front that will potentially save the taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars in social services in years to come. The male who abandons his pregnant counterpart is instead costing the taxpayer just that. In both cases, a child who was created by no fault of their own quickly becomes the bane of this nation’s existence worthy of death or destitution. But since children sleeping on cardboard mats in the streets would look bad on us, we simply root for them to be killed in their mother's womb.

Bottomline, until we learn to respect the humanity of ALL human beings- at every stage- we seldom respect the role of any human being. We will not view their struggles with compassion, we will only see what a burden they are on others and we will continue to dehumanize humans for our own selfish gain... men and women alike.