Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Don't tell me to stop talking about dudes sucking. Tell dudes to stop sucking.

Last week while sitting in an airport restaurant during a layover, a heavily intoxicated man approached me. He'd just gotten off a flight and was headed to another terminal when he spotted me sitting at the end of the bar by myself (near the entrance), and made a B-line straight toward me.

A whole incident ensued and afterwards I posted about it on our Facebook page. What made this all status update-worthy, however, was not the man's ultimate arrest for public intoxication (because, yes, he was that bad, which is why I left out some of the more obnoxious details about our time together), but how another woman who I can only assume had been traveling on the same flight as this man, never left me alone with him. I wanted to celebrate this awesome act of sisterhood. She stood back as not to escalate the situation, but kept eye contact with me the entire time letting me know something could potentially happen because of the aggressive state he was in.

And it did.

He had cozied up across the bar from me, loudly demanding I tell him he was cuter than my husband (who, yes, I felt the need to name drop early on, because sadly a woman not being interested is not enough these days... she has to be someone else's property in order to turn down a drunk dude's advances *eye roll*). Then finally at one point, only about a minute and a half into him sitting there, he placed both of his hands on my head. I did not feel in any immediate danger, but I know a big part of that was because I wasn't alone. I knew in that moment he had crossed a line and that the other woman was likely alerting airport security.

They came over and this gentleman was given multiple chances by security to go get a cup of coffee before getting on to his next flight, but he refused and just became more belligerent.

The most disturbing part of all of this though? Not the weird drunk airport arrest I watched go down, but rather the comments left on this very positive Facebook post I had written thanking that other woman for having my back.

I was accused of misandry, and overreacting because after all "nothing had happened"…yet. There was a lot of "well, if the tables had been turned and it was a woman who was the aggressor…"

So, fine internet commenter "Nickolai," let's turn the tables.

If you were suddenly approached by a woman twice your size, who was drunk, who had honed in on YOU, and there was no way of talking her out of the plans she had to take you home tonight, you might begin to feel one iota of what many of us feel all too often. But odds are you've never been in that situation. You've likely never felt physically intimidated by a woman, because if you had (as some men have), you would be more empathetic to what I went through and less accusatory of me for using this experience to- what did you say again? -oh yeah: drive up clicks-throughs. Because the ads. They're just everywhere on this blog, right? Remind me to explain to you how the Internet works in a future post.

I'm going to be very blunt. If you were looking for a politically correct "we're all equal" feminist page, you've come to the wrong place. I don't reside in that la-la land. I live in reality. I live in a world where women are overwhelmingly the victims of sexual assault, not men. I live in a world where I don't have the luxury of boycotting date-rape-detecting nail polish, because I have had GHB slipped into my drink before. I live in a world where I am not equally as strong as a 250 lb. drunk dude, and I won't act like I am. I live in a world where having another woman watch out for me, and sadly needing other women to watch out for me, is a just part of everyday life. It shouldn't have to be like this, but it is. And until dudes change that, I will not apologize for "continuing the narrative" that men are usually the aggressors in situations like this. Because it wasn't some second-hand anecdote; it was something that really happen to me last week. If you're pissed at anyone, be pissed at the dudes who are creating this stereotype, not the women who are merely acknowledging what's happening and speaking out against it.

I'm sorry, but watch the video below, and then be "man enough" to admit shit like this does. not. happen. to. you.


  1. I like the article, I agree with it but in terms of the video, I didn't actually hear anything that I would consider harassment... If I walk through NYC and got that kind of attention from women, I think I would be flattered. I'm going to get my wife to watch this and see what she thinks... But for all you ladies out there, please tell me what I am missing?

    1. Because Jared, you're picturing women, whom you've likely never felt physically overpowered by, innocently hitting on you- flattering you. That's not what these dudes are doing. They're not catcalling because they value us as people. They are looking at our body and commenting on it, while completely disrespecting the human being inside of it. This is what a porn culture has bred. If it's okay to gawk at women on TV, billboards, and your computer screen, why not on the streets too? Well, because we live in a world where as females we're VERY aware of the frequency of rapes and sexual assaults in our city. You don't know that feeling.

      So take women out of it altogether, maybe that will help. Imagine you're on an island, and it's nothing but beefed up gay dudes. Everywhere you go they're making comments about your body, telling you to smile, walking beside you for 5 minutes at a time. Still feel as comfortable as having women cat call you in the city? Say what you want, but eventually that would get old, especially if every night on the gay island news you heard about another slim white dude just like you being attacked by one of these beefcakes. Suddenly those little "compliments" wouldn't seem so harmless, would they?

    2. I LOVE your reply Destiny. Right on.

  2. When a woman is at the receiving end of those "compliments" from strange men, it's really, really creepy. If one rejects it, it can get nasty fast. None of those comments when I've gotten them have ever felt good.

    They are not genuine compliments. It's a reduction of yourself to the way that you look and an attempt to get attention or "affection". It's totally unwanted.

  3. Jared, The Question is not "How would you feel if women said that to you?" But how would you feel if men said that to your wife? daughter? sister? She is our sister and she should be free to walk down the street without hearing remarks that make her feel unsafe. Moreover, men should not feel free to say things to women that make them feel unsafe. Reversing the situation, as you mentioned, does not clarify things because men and women are truly different. That's what the New Feminism stresses - not ignoring differences but recognizing and relishing those differences.

  4. What you are missing, whoever doesn't get it, is that Dear God, can you just sometimes be a person walking, going somewhere, God forbid trying to accomplish something in your day, without being bothered. Can you just be left alone to WALK, think, veg, dream, meditate, whatever....can you just BE? Or does being an attractive woman give you no say so, ever? In times past, strangers wouldn't even speak to each other without an introduction. It was considered terrible form and an invasion of privacy. So is this. I used to hate it when men would say, "Smile!" I don't want to smile and what business is it of yours if I am smiling. arrrrrggggg

  5. "Have a nice evening." Yeah, real threatening. Why assume every man has ulterior motives? That's why most men are annoyed by this kind of thing. They're tired of being equated to lustful pigs any time they so much as approach a woman.

  6. Oh dear. I am very sorry to hear that you had to go through that experience at the airport. As you say, though, many kudos to the woman who helped you out there.

  7. I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

    American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

    This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.