This Just In: Letting Dudes Jerk Off To Your Rack Will Not Cure Breast Cancer

It might give a giggle (among other things) to the men... if you even want to call them that... who thought up this stupid gimmick, but contrary to popular belief "No Bra Day" is just another dumb ploy to turn young women into pieces of porn. The idea behind the campaign is to raise awareness by going braless on the 13th and then posting pics or your chi-chi's on the internet. Hate to break it to ya, but this will NOT raise breast cancer awareness, ladies. Unless of course "breast cancer awareness" is your gross little codename for trouser tents. 

As a matter of fact, a friend of a friend had a wonderful idea just in case the sleazeballs behind this "campaign" really did want to raise awareness... 

"If you want to use pictures... show women who have lost their breasts to a mastectomy! Now THAT might scare women into being aware and getting those all important mammograms... but of course MEN won't want to see that."

Of course not. But that's not the point here anyway, is it?

I decided to check out their page, praying that women could not possibly be naive enough to fall for this scam, and after being met by a barrage of cleave shots (imagine my surprise), I stumbled upon perhaps one of the stupidest "About" sections I've ever come across. And we're talking facebook here folks, so that's saying something.  

Now join me as I attempt to decipher the Boobstagram "awareness" campaign's core message (as described on their FB):

"The fight against cancer is long-standing; progresses are real but can seem slow compared with other diseases, despite considerable human and financial ressources dedicated to it."

{Why has no one tried hosting a universal tits out day?!? I mean, c'mon guys, screw medicine, this is obviously the answer!}

"We cannot all become doctors or surgeons."

{Perhaps if I'd spent less time trying to get girls drunk so you could feel them up in college I might actually be able to save these "tatas" I proclaim to care so much about.}  

"But we can all take part in prevention, for ourselves, for our friends and family and for others. But how? How to be heard in the public area overwhelmed with messages?" 

{Hmmmmm, take nudity pics and post them on the internets? Genius!}

"How to avoid the pitfall of moralism?"

{tit pics.} 

 "How to build a popular communication matching with the up-to-date scientific knowledge?"

{science-schmience. tit pics.}

 "And how to create a rather fun prevention campaign when most campaigns use fear?"

{Dude, 'cause I can't tell you all the times Susan G. has had me in tears with one of their sad Sarah McLachlany commercials... oh shit wait, that's was the SPCA, never mind.  Look whatever, we know most breast cancer campaigns have been pretty much solely centered around the hilarity and sexiness of the boob in whimsical and falsely empowering ways, so what's one more?!}

"By using this approach and by targeting young people, those most comfortable with new technologies and most comfortable with unconventional messages, we attempt to raise awareness amongst those who must change their behaviour today, in order to change their future tommorrow."

{No saggy old tits. C'mon, do it. It's for the future and the children and sturf or something.}

"It is indeed one extra challenge of this disease, that one prepares one’s cancer in 20, 30 or 40 years. However, raising awareness amongst young people about real but distant risks is extremely complex."

{We're serious, no old tits.}

"There are several types of preventions:Primary prevention that targets unhealthy behaviours.Secondary prevention that promotes early detection of disease, when medicine can be most effective."

{Ignore what everyone else says. Posting pics of your rack on the internet is like totes a healthy behavior.}

"It is on those two axis that we will attempt to intervene with those illustrated messages that we hope to see circulate widely on social networks."

{Let us use your breasts to get more "likes," "shares," and "retweets" on our creepy pedophile heaven social media sites.}

"Glamorous, audacious, original, whatever the means, as long as the objective is fulfilled: To stay alive."

{And by "stay alive" we obviously mean "keep us poppin' boners." And by "Objective" we obviously mean "object" A.K.A. "you" needs to be pretty nekkid, foxy young thang. Thanks.} 

And ladies... here's the moment you've all been waiting for, the faces of those who "likes" this site and page... 'nuff said.

They want young women and girls to free their cans on instagram (hey that's actually pretty catchy, use it and I'll sue, Boobstagram) for the dudes they're catering to. Period. Well, no wait, they don't like periods... because periods are a drag.

And just incase you haven't thrown up in your mouth enough yet. Here's the nipple on top of this "make a boob of yourself" campaign:

{Translation: Make it about breast cancer and doctors again for a sec so they can't see our hands down our pants.}

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Major thanks to Chrissi Fisher for inspiring this post with her wonderful wit and web watching.