Dave the Unborn Baby interviews Dr. Kermit Gosnell
*Author's note: This is a fictional interview between two fictional characters. I have never interviewed "Dr." Kermit Gosnell.
Intro music: something peppy, with a saxophone. The screen reads: LIVE FROM THE UTERUS WITH DAVE THE UNBORN BABY! Dave the Unborn Baby floats in a dark pink cocoon of placental warmth. He is about 24 weeks gestation and has a winning personality, laid-back and charming. Applause.
Dave the Unborn Baby: Thank you, thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna get little bit serious here tonight. We have right here, live in the studio, the infamous abortion doctor Kermit Gosnell. Now, as many of you know, Dr. Gosnell was an abortionist working in Philadelphia until 2011. He is now on trial for seven counts of first degree murder. Sounds of "oooooh" from the audience.
Dave: It's been in the news some. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Apparently, he was known for running an exceptionally shoddy clinic. Urine on the floor. Women having their uteruses perforated. Unlicensed staff providing medical care. Filthy facilities. Just a terrible story. And you know, as an unborn baby myself, I really wanted to get Dr. Gosnell in here and let him kind of tell us where he's coming from. So let's bring him out. Dr. Gosnell! Dr. Gosnell enters and sits to polite applause.
Dave: First of all, Doctor, I just want to thank you for being with us here today.
Dr. Kermit Gosnell: Thank you, Dave. It's a real pleasure.
Dave: I know you're busy with the trial and everything, so we appreciate you taking the time to talk to us, to share your side of the story.
Dr. Kermit: I really appreciate the opportunity.
Dave: So, let's get right down to it. You were into the third trimester abortions in particular, right? That's was kind of your thing.
Dr. Kermit: It was, Dave. It was my specialty, sort of. The viable babies.
Dave: What was that all about?
Dr. Kermit: Well. (Sigh.) You know, I guess I just like killing babies? And the more they looked like babies, the more I liked it, I guess. To be honest, it's hard to pin down the motivation in my mind. It's a real mess in there. In my mind, I mean.
Dave: Because you're such a sick psycho?
Dr. Kermit: Yes, exactly. I guess, first of all there was the demand, you know, from women who were gonna have to give birth pretty soon and for whatever reason they just decided, you know, Never mind. I'd rather not give birth. And these women, a lot of them, before I came along, would end up just giving birth. And I thought, well, that's where I could come in. Before the birth. And stop that from happening.
Dave: Death instead of birth, then.
Dr. Kermit: Right. Because I enjoy killing. You know, there are other things I could have done with my life, to make money. Other types of medicine I could have practiced. Medicine is a fairly lucrative career no matter how you slice it. (Laughs.) That's a little pun I like to make.
Dr. Kermit: But here I saw this opportunity to take these women, usually scared, uninformed, sometimes even coerced women, to take them into my care and spread their legs and pull their babies out and snip their spinal cords with scissors. And I mean, what can I say? I saw the opportunity and I took it.
Dr. Kermit: Because, seriously, think of how rare it is, to get to take babies out of people, stab them in the neck or cut their heads off right there in front of them, and they pay you? I made over a million dollars a year doing that. I mean, that's pretty... I don't know if the word is progressive? But it's something.
Dave: It sure is.
Dr. Kermit: It's the American dream, in a way.
Dr. Kermit: And so I couldn't really assemble a crackerjack team for my staff, could I? The, uh, the crackerjacks, as it were, the real licensed nurses and doctors, they had real jobs, with the healing and whatnot. That's why I had all the unlicensed staff. I had a 15-year-old administering anesthesia. (Laughs.) You know, women sitting on filthy recliners, urine and blood everywhere, spreading venereal diseases with dirty instruments, perforating their organs. I think there was even a flea-ridden cat in the clinic, wandering around.
Dave: That's pretty gross.
Dr. Kermit: Well, I mean, what was I gonna do, put him out on the street? That would be cruel.
Dave: Indeed. Now, Doctor, I've read stories about babies jumping when their heads were severed, or crying out.
Is that true?
Dr. Kermit: Sure, sure. Anybody would, wouldn't they?
Dave: Wow. You're really a sick monster.
Dr. Kermit: I sure am, Dave.
Dave: So what's next for you?
Dr. Kermit: Prison, probably? I don't know. I'll never practice medicine again. Not legally, anyway. (Laughs.) But you know, I had a good run.
Dave: Let's say you're in prison, and someone's about to stab you in the neck. How would you feel about it?
Dr. Kermit: Well, I wouldn't like it very much.
Dave: What if it were legal to stab you in the neck?
Dr. Kermit: Well. But it's not.
Dave: Very true. Well, Doctor, again I'd like to thank you for being with us here.
Dr. Kermit: Thank you, Dave. But before I go, are you 100% sure your mother wants you? Because I brought my scissors...
Dave: Dr. Kermit Gosnell, ladies and gentlemen. Polite applause.