Monday, January 7, 2013

Infertility and abortion: proof the world isn’t fair

Originally posted on

Hi, my name is Kristen, and I’m infertile.
I debated long and hard whether I should share these personal revelations with the world. But I decided to go ahead and tell all – again – because it needs to be said, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.
Every day, around the world, about 125,000 babies are aborted. Since the beginning of 2013, as I write this,544,306 babies have been aborted. Another one just now. And just now. More than one per second. Now it’s 544,355. Over half a million lives in less than a week.
Meanwhile, back at the Batcave, my husband and I are trying to conceive.
I figured that when I was (finally) settled down and hitched up and ready to have a baby, it would just sort of happen, like magic. That’s what happened to my mom. She got pregnant without even trying. In fact, about 125,000 women a day get pregnant despite not even wanting a baby. They don’t want their babies so hard they have them killed before they can be born.
Meanwhile, something like 10% of women struggle to conceive. There’s been a lot of talk about the 1% and the 99% percent in the past year or so. Well, I am the 10%.
Meanwhile: 544,612.
I have a disorder called PCOS, or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I’ll spare you the juicy details, but it basically means I don’t ovulate, and if you don’t ovulate, if there is no egg to fertilize that will become a zygote-embryo-fetus, you obviously can’t get pregnant.
We haven’t been trying for very long, but two days ago my doctor gave me the low-down: there’s no point “giving it some time,” because unless there is medical intervention to make me ovulate, I won’t. So I face the delightful prospect of having holes burned into my ovaries (laparascopic ovarian drilling) and then taking pills and possibly injections. These measures, if they work (there’s an 80% chance they will), will raise my chances of conceiving from exactly 0% to roughly 50%…for about six months, at which point the effects wear off and we have to try something else.
There’s also the possibility – which I try not to contemplate – that nothing will work. And then we face the even more daunting prospect of trying to scrape up the money to adopt, something we will be able to afford to do only once, if at all.
By the way: 545,106.
We won’t go to Brave New World lengths to conceive – no IVF for us, thanks. But we are trying fertility treatment before adoption because (a) with health insurance coverage, it is infinitely cheaper, and (b) we have the totally normal biological urge to have our own baby. I think adoption is beautiful, but I am human, and I have the innate God-given desire to reproduce that roughly 99% of humans have.
Until very recently, I never noticed all the pregnant people constantly surrounding me. I noticed baby clothes, because they were cute, but not in the heart-wrenching, horrible way I notice them now. Everyone is pregnant, and there are babies everywhere, or so it seems to me.
I also think about abortion differently. I’ve seen it as the world’s most terrible tragedy for about six years now, but never before has it packed the personal punch it does now. In the United States alone, there are millions of women like me, spending at least some of their waking life in an agony of anxiety and longing and hope and prayer and grief, trying everything from herbal supplements to special lubricants to expensive pills to having holes drilled in their ovaries to get pregnant. They obsessively pee on sticks to the point that it becomes a literal addiction, and many of them suffer repeated, heart-wrenching miscarriages.
Meanwhile, every day, 125,000 women a day pay a doctor to murder the miracle we would literally give our right arms for.
What makes it even more horrible is that most of us, though we really want to have our own babies, would be more than satisfied with motherhood, period. Unfortunately, while having high standards for adopting couples is understandable – you don’t want to give a baby to just anybody – it seems that often the standards (and fees) are so high as to be unattainable by people who might make great parents.
The other day, at Half Price Books, the back cover of a book about adoption gleefully informed me that adopting a baby only costs about as much as a new mid-size sedan. Well, my husband’s truck is a 2001 and mine is a 2005. What does that tell you about our ability to afford a new mid-size sedan?
Meanwhile: 546,213.
We have all these couples trying to have babies, and all these women having theirs killed. We have all these couples who would adopt if they could, and all these barriers in their way.
I used to drive past abortion clinics and feel, yes, the sadness, the horror, the indescribable demonic evil of it. Today, I drive past and feel the same, but more. Deeper. Different. I feel like a man lost at sea must feel, dying of thirst, staring at an ocean of water he can’t drink.
I wish I could bring this all to a nice, neat point. Maybe I don’t have one. Maybe it’s enough that I share with you my personal trials and travails to show you a new way in which abortion is misery and cruelty made manifest.


Post by Kristen Walker


  1. I am just so sorry. I empathize whole-heartedly with what you are going through. I was told for close to 8 years that because I had PCOS children are not likely. Thankfully, NFP and NFP knowledgeable doctors changes that for me. You are in my prayers, and I really hope that you find answers.

  2. Great post. I'm so sorry for this struggle you are going through, and I hurt with you. Thank you for your honesty.

  3. Yep. When I miscarried a baby that I very, very, very much wanted, I was talking to a friend of mine about it and she compared the (physical) pain of my natural miscarriage to when she chemically aborted her baby. Twice. Sometimes I really wonder what the hell is wrong with people that they think that stuff's OK to say?

  4. I will be praying for you too Kristen!

    Prayer, NFP, patience will all help.

    Look into this if you can. You are amazing for what you do for ladies, babies and the human race. God Bless you!

  5. Thank you so much for posting this, I feel exactly the same way.

    First off let me start out by telling that you my mom has PCOS and my parents tried for 5 years to have me and then had 3 more surprise blessings, so I completely get it!

    Secondly, my husband and I have been trying to conceive for 2 years, doctors cannot find any reason why we haven't been successful. We even tried clomid, but no luck. It is the same for us with adoption as well, I'd be happy being anybody's mom but there is just no way right now.
    It hurts everyday I see somebody else announce their special news or hear a women complaining because she's pregnant. It is especially difficult seeing my sister in law being pregnant because the situation surrounding it is horrendous. I am so grateful to you for writing this post because it says everything I have been feeling.

    The world is not just but I remain hopeful!

    Keep trying, stay hopeful and know that there are others out there who are supporting you all the way.

    You can contact me at if you want to chat, free therapy never hurt!

  6. Your blog is so beautifully written. And I totally agree with it. I once had that same problem--this was in the 80s--and my doctor treated it with putting me on a low-dose birth control pill. Ironic, I know! I was only on the pill for two years, but it did work at removing the cysts. I had no problem conceiving, 10 years later after getting married. I don't know if doctors still use this as a treatment, however. All the best to you and your husband.

    1. (I do apologize! That last one was mine. I didn't mean for it be anonymous. This is me, Keziah.)

  7. I am so sorry :( I am in nursing school and had no idea about the abortion rate (i.e.-problem) in this country until this past semester. I cannot believe that many women are willing to take an innocent life. Thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you, and it sounds like you would be a wonderful mother.... I will pray you get your solution soon. God bless you.

  8. I have been TTC for over 3 years, and the doctors can't find anything wrong with me or my husband. I feel the same way you do about abortion. I'm typing this while trying to see through the tears.

  9. Thank you, Kristen, for sharing such a personal and important message.
    In the span of a year, I have suffered two miscarriages for reasons my doctor can't quite explain. Just after my second baby was lost, I was told by a girlfriend that the babies I lost to miscarriage "don't count." Other women have told me "just to get on the bandwagon because everyone is having kids now." I find it incredible that such insensitivity exists in the world, and that feeling only grows worse when I consider abortion. I wouldn't wish the loss of a baby on my worst enemy, and yet hundreds of thousands of women daily elect to go through it. It's bewildering to think about.

  10. First, let me say that my heart breaks for your struggle. I have no doubt that God has plans for that love that is burning inside you for the child you haven't met yet.

    I want to put this out there gently - not as a solution, but only as a possibility because it has brought such blessings into my own life. Have you considered entering foster care as a parent? It is a scary thing, to be sure, but it can be very beautiful and rewarding. These are kids who need love that the government gives you money to take. It is heartbreaking - my brothers came out of foster care, and it was heart-wrenching every time they had to go back to their previous caretakers, but I love them so much and am so grateful my parents gave them a shot. :) I hope to be able to do the same! Or maybe provide respite care to those already fostering or become a CASA.

    I'll pray for you, and I hope God brings you peace and love in 2013!

  11. Have you consulted with a chiropractor? If you can find a holistic one who understands the role of nutrition in the body so that the body is able to heal itself. Miracles are possible and I pray you will get your miracle!

  12. Thank you for having the courage to share this. You will make a wonderful mother one day, no matter how it happens.

  13. thoughtful and touching ... thank you

  14. I so co-miserate with you. My husband and I have been married 3 and a half years, and the doctors tell me there's nothing wrong, even though we haven't conceived. I almost wish there was a diagnosis...a reason. I don't understand God's will at times. I am an emergency room nurse...I see women who come in all the time both pre- and post-abortion. It rips my heart out. I even begged one to let me have the child, in a moment of extreme weakness. The boyfriend told me "this is my baby, and I'm not giving my baby to anyone!" I couldn't believe it. I just keep plugging along...there must be a plan for me somewhere...

  15. I am in a similar situation, and have many of the same thoughts. It makes me so angry to think of the women around me who throw away their babies when I so desperately want one. I also get angry at women who don't appreciate the children they do have, or act like getting pregnant is no big deal.

  16. Have you looked into Napro Technology? I apologize if I'm the umpteenth person to say that. So sorry for your situation.

  17. Thank you your honesty. I know how hard it is to admit to having fertility challenges privately let alone publicly. I feel your pain as we have struggled for 5 years with unexplained infertility. I participate in 40 Days For Life and as I stand outside the local abortion clinic each time I struggle to make sense of it all. At one point I thought of holding up a sign "i will adopt your baby" but like you we were not ready (plus can you get in trouble for that?) We also did not want to try IVF so here are some alternatives I came across: I first found out about reproductive immunology from a book called "Is Your Body Baby Friendly?" By Allen E Beers. This was an excellent and enlightening book. I then dicovered a gifted Doctor in New York that takes long distance patients name Dr Jeffery Braverman. I also discovered a lot about eating right and food allergies through acupuncture (no meditations). We are now pregnant for the 4th time and will have our first living child in 3 months. My husband was on a host of vitamins for sperm issues and I was taking my share for good measure. I also found Fertility Blend actually help with getting my cycles more regular and it has a big study backing its effacy.
    I hope this helps along with my prayers for you and your husband, may you be blessed with children soon.

  18. I am so sorry you are going through this. As I'm approaching my wedding kids are definitely on my mind and one of my biggest fears is not being able to have them.
    I will be praying for you.